Black Templars is Stoopid

The battle hadn't even begun yet, and already the squad of soldiers manning the gigantic ant-aircraft gun in its fortified position had grown bored.

The massive weapon pointed skyward was known as a Quad Gun, and it sat nestled safely behind an Aegis Defence Line, a sturdy barrier made of adamantium and plascrete easily capable of withstanding a full-blown charge from a pack of blood-crazed Orks. The gun itself was designed to spew thousands of rounds a minute heavenward, destroying enemy flying machines by the dozens. Each holy bolt it fired was as long as a human arm, and whatever one struck when the great gun was fired would be literally obliterated from the Emperor's sight.

It was in His name that the soldiers manned the Quad Gun this day, of course. No ordinary soldiers, these. No motley band of rag-tag planetary defense force troopies, nor rabble of poorly-disciplined, barely trained Imperial Guardsmen stood guard with the mighty gun as its machine spirit surveyed all before it. The long barrels, their ends blackened from millions of rounds thrown at the enemy in past battles, slowly traversed from left to right, right to left, ceaselessly seeking a target.

Or, rather...endlessly seeking a target, cuz 'ceaselessly seeking' kinda sticks on the tongue, and sounds all lispy and whatnot.

Anyway, the soldiers manning the Quad Gun this day were Black Templars- Imperial Space Marines on a Holy Crusade in the name of the Emperor, the Primarch Dorn, and some dude named Sigismund, which is a really silly name.

*After this picture was taken, Sigismund had all the fingers on his left hand replaced. Again.*

One of the soldiers, resplendent in his jet black armor, paced back and forth incessantly, cuz that's a less funny sounding word than ceaselessly, but only slightly less funny sounding, and the only time anyone will ever use the word 'resplendent' is when describing an Imperial Space Marine, pretty much.

'Sarge,' said the soldier, 'how long to we hafta stay here again?'

Despite the fact that the Sergeant was wearing his Holy Helmet, every soldier in the squad could sense his eyes rolling.

'How many times must I tell you, Initiate,' intoned the Sergeant, 'that our duty is an important one. This Quad Gun, and these fortifications, are on loan to us from the Mechanicum and Imperial Guard, since we have no access to such materiel ourselves. The enemy are cowards, and would seek to attack us from the skies instead of engaging us in righteous combat, where strength of arms would surely see us the victor. We will wait until the enemy Warlord summons his...flying things, and when they appear we will operate this gun and shoot them from the sky. It has a special Machine Spirit that will intercept the enemy flying things as soon as they materialize. Without this weapon, the rest of our forces are vulnerable to these...flyers. This makes our mission a vital one indeed, Initiate.'

The soldiers shoulders slumped momentarily (which is also kinda funny to say), but then he yanked his chainsword from his hip and brandished it with a vicious swipe.
'But I want to hit things with me sword,' he shouts, 'and yell "for the Emperor" whilst I do it!'
Their was a chorus of enthusiastic agreements from the other soldiers in the squad.

*Sword. Axe. Turkey leg. Whatever's handy, really

The Sergeant's sigh was barely audible over the squad vox. There were times he deeply, deeply regretted being reborn as a Space Marine into the only chapter with members so dumb they had to chain their personal effects to their very bodies, lest they lose them.

'Your choler is in the ascendant, Initiate. Be sanguine.'

Every helmet in the squad turned to regard the Sergeant. One of the soldiers piped up, 'Forgive me for asking, Sergeant, but you say that often. In truth, no sane person speaks in such a manner. Where did you learn this expression, and what does it mean?'

'It's from a little book called the Codex Astartes, fool. Perhaps you've heard of it? And it means, quite frankly, "shut up and do as you're told," do you understand? Now you will all be silent and perform your duties in a manner befitting an Imperial Space Marine. By the Emperor's bowels, never would one witness an Ultramarine behaving in such a manner.'

There was a smattering of chatter over the vox:
'Well, now, that's the Ultramarines you're talking about...'
'Ooooh, the Ultramarines. They're so dreamy.'
'Their armor is so blue...'
'I would love to be an Ultramarine...'
'I had a dream where I was an Ultramarine once. I cried when I woke up.'

The Sergeant shook his head sadly for a moment. He'd had that dream, too...

*Even their flags are bigger*

Just as the Sergeant was about to admonish the soldiers, a shot rang out. A bright, lancing beam of destruction cut through Initiate Bob, instantly annihilating his body.

The entire squad just stood there momentarily, frozen in place as little bits of Bob slid down and dripped off their armor in thick, wet chunks.

One by one, all of the Initiates pulled their chainswords out, and turned away from the Quad Gun. As the Sergeant looked on in shock, wiping some Bob from the lenses of his helm, it was clear that they planned to leap the Aegis line, charge across the entire breadth of the battlefield and attack the enemy hand-to-hand.
The Sergeant jumped in front of the group. 'Hold,' he shouted, 'by the Emperor's dusty privates, what madness has befallen you? Should you abandon this gun, the enemy flyers will arrive and decimate your brothers out there on the battlefield! Should you leave this fortification, you will be cut down almost immediately by the enemy guns! What you're planning is suicide!'

One of the soldiers turns to him. 'But Sergeant- they killed Bob! I am filled with a burning, holy imperative to charge the enemy!.'
The Sergeant sighs once more. 'Do you mean Righteous Zeal, Initiate? You're filled with Righteous Zeal?'
'Yes,' exclaims the soldier, 'that's it precisely!'

The Sergeant knew in his bones he won't be able to stop this. Resigned, he pulled out his own close combat weapon- a power sword of immaculate design. He looks around for his bolt pistol, and then remembers it's chained to his arm. Whew. He thought he'd lost it.

'Well, to heck with it, then. CHAAAAAAAAARGE!'

*Get 'em!*

Leaping the Aegis Defence Line with a bold cry of 'for the Emperor,' the brave soldiers make it several feet before they start taking casualties.
Initiate Frank catches a round in the face, and Initiate Tom is peppered from helm to boots. Though their zeal is righteous indeed, after a few minutes of shouting and running blindly forward, they pause. Looking around at one another for a moment, and taking a quick headcount, they all arrive at the same decision immediately.
'BACK TO THE DEFENCE LINE' they shout as one.

The first of the soldiers arrives at the fortification, slams into it and begins scrabbling upon its angled face. Mighty as he is, he can find no purchase, and his efforts are hindered further when the rest of his squad slams into his back.
'Curse the Mechanicum,' growls the Sergeant, 'These walls are like some sort of...difficult terrain!'

Any hope he had of perhaps salvaging this disaster by somehow getting back to the gun in time to defend his brothers on the front line against the inevitably incoming flyers faded as heard the first bombs dropping in the distance...
The Templars were undone. 


Much later, lying comfortably in his foam stasis chamber, he thought to himself, ' This never, ever would've happened to the Ultramarines.'


Until next time, folks- exit with catchphrase!

- SinSynn